Welcome to A.S.S.G.O

Hey my name is sam grimwade my life has had many turns and this is whats happend in my life. A long story about times of love, hate and things not many can understand for I have read many people's books on their life. Well heres mine, hope you like it sam xx

Well I was born on the 6th of may 1989 in luton hospital with no clue how life would turn out. I remember most of my childhood (weird huh). I loved music; as a child i would listen to my dad's music for ages before I sleept. I loved Noody as well I cryed when he said goodbye and the show ended. I missed him so much, the happy person that made my day and made me happy i would stay awake for ages as a baby and never need to sleep. I had so much energy if I hooked myself up to a battery I'd probably charge it with the energy I had in side me(true I did stay up all night and day my poor mum didn't know what to do). I went to nursurey at the age of 3 and a half and well didont fit in well i guess and basicly didn't get on well with other children my age. I had problems and I don't know why; I never have seen why I had to be different growing up; and walking and talking at that. I was different from other children and I had to live with it. I then went to primary school I didn't fit in at all. Not one child my age liked me and shund me because of it; but i got over it fast then I left the school to go to a different one. It was full of people as different as me. I still didn't fit in

well and still I had people calling me a freak. I just wanted to lock myself away and be safe; but i made a few friends by the time I was 13 and they seemed to be as unliked as me because they didn't like what most others did. Music, clothes and toys as such. So I think they were as different as me.

The other students never cared about the way I felt but still no one did in them years. I got bullied most of my school years, till it drove me to hit back and change my whole world for the worst. I never liked violence and I never condemed it on any one at all but i couldn't take it no more. So the other people got scared of me and left me alone. They made friends with me more out of fear than anything else. So I guess it was the wrong way to life. Now I think about it I got a lot smarter with life when that happend. It was not the best thing to do but it still stopped them hurting me. I kept getting in to fights and winning, but getting in problems with teachers and the school. Then the day of secondry school came. I hated it. The school was massive and the other students were very mean and nasty. I remember being in the dinner line and some one pushed me out of the way. They were saying get out the way little kid! i turned and punched the person full in the face. He fell to the floor and all the students around looked at me looking scared. The person I hit was a 6th form boy nearly twice my age. Then the teacher took me to the head and i got told off big time!! After more incidents like that i got moved to a different school. It was very mean where teachers could restrain people if they became angry. I hated the school so much. I had some upsets there but at the end i got past it and got used to being abused. I got to the time where I went to college and did courses in computing and building. I was very good at it and later went back to get grades in them. I finally got them Atec, Btec and Atec in computers and a degree in building. Then my life got worse. I nerver got to get a job or flat because of this part. I'm still steaming inside myself. I never found out why it happend and I hate myself for it to this very day.

After college I was 16 and ready for college, work and life. I thought I would get it done with no problem. Leaveing the bullies and nasty people behind me, but things went wrong in the family. My mum got very angry one day at me. I have a brother and sister younger then me and my brother always play fights and strives to beat others at things. We were play fighting and it went wrong. He hit me by accident in the nose. Little did I know when I get hit in the face with force I get very angry fast. When it happend all I remember is a great rage flowing inside me. I hit my brother hard and fast. The next thing, I had him fighting me with full force. He picked up a broom poll and tried to hit me with it. I grabbed it before he had a chance and he ran up to his room. My mother only saw me hit him and then me holding the broom poll and she went mad at me. She started hiting me and saying things like what you doing!! you fucking freak!! How dare you, what are you fucking doing!!! I went mad. I love my mum very much, but at that time all I could feel was the rage and hate in her voice. I slapped her round the face and said "shut up and stop hitting me bitch"!! My mum phoned the police and I got arrested for common assult. I stayed three nights in a cell and I went down a black hole of sadness regret and i felt like my world had ended there and then. There was no leaving and I felt as if the walls themselves were closing in on me. I wanted to die and end it all. I found a little plastic fork in the cell on the 2nd night. I then stabbed my arm deep and wrote on the wall. 'I hate life kill me I want to end the pain and suffering! No more end it now please!!! End my pain!! Make it stop'!!!. Then I was about to go mad and never be normal again but the door opened and a man said "Time for you to go to court sam".

I stood in the court room. I was scared of it and it haunts me to this day. The magistrates were sitting at the head of the room looking down at me as if thinking (hmmm I wonder what damage can we could do to this poor life). Then they asked me if I was guilty of the charge against me. I said yes but I didn't mean it. I wanted to see my mum and say how sorry I was and I cried in front of the magistrates, in front of the guards and all there. They then spoke together and said to me "Sam you may go home and try to make peace with you family". Then they let me go. I was free, I left and got some money from my bank. Them got the train home. I got mum's favourite flowers and chocolates and made my way home. When I got there no one was there. I called my mums phone but no anwser at all. So I waited out of site for some one to come back.

The worst day of my life!

Finally my Dad came home and I went and rang the door bell. He opened the door, took one look at me. Then said "What do you what?" in the voice my dad uses when wanting some one to piss off. I said "Wheres mum I need to talk with her very badly and its very inportant". He then said "Shes with her sister and she does not want to talk to you again". Thats when my life felt like it had no meaning. After a short silence he said "Come in pack your things and I'll get you in a childrens home". So I packed all I needed. I came down with it when he was talking on the phone in a very angry voice saying "Why the fuck did they send him back here? We said we didn't want him back.Then my phone rang. I picked it up and it was my best mate Tom. He said that him and a few others where looking for me so I met him, Smith, Ali, Steff and my girl friend at the time Debbie where all there with Tom. They saw I had my bag of clothes and that. They asked where you going and what happend. I told them what happend and they where shocked. My girl friend ran up and kissed me and said "Where will you go?". I said with a stupid grin "Where ever the wind takes me and the wind blow's strong". It seemed magical at that point. Then I went home to get some other things. Then my mum came home, she didn't look at me or speak to me. I went to her though and said "Mum I'm very sorry for what I did I'll never do it again. I got you these you don't have to forgive me or talk to me but I love you". I gave her the flowers and chocolates. She then looked me full in the face with that piercing look that makes you think they're reading your mind. She saw the sadness there it seemed. Then said "Well that's a start but I want you out of here for a while. They then sent me off to a childrens home. I didn't mind it much. There were odd balls like me, so I fitted in well and made friends fast. In fact I met a girl there on my first night. She took a liking to me and then kept talking to me and caring about me. She followed me most places and we had loads of fun together and though I was different I enjoyed having her there for me. But all things must end and I moved to a diffrent home. It was an independent home and I didn't mind it. I liked it close to town and nice place. Again i fitted in fine and enjoyed the people i met and the time we spend together. I started smoking and drinking and then went partying with many people. At last I felt like I had fitted in at last, but for how long?

I woke up one day and they said I had to move to Portsmouth to a new place. I moved there and found it wrong. I didn't like it. I met a girl that was a self harmer and she cut her self in front of me and also played sad music, crying at the same time. I had flash backs of my time in a cell. I stayed away from her but then I got a call from my girl friend Debbie. She has problems with her famliy all the time. They are nasty to her a lot. She said to me she couldn't take it anymore; that we could never be together. I cried for ages. I loved her so much. I had loads of girl friends in the past but she had been the one that stayed by me and kept me happy. We were thinking of getting married. I kept going to see her often. The distance didn't matter to me, only seeing her and staying together, happiness. Then it all had to end. Then my life came crashing down. I heard the sad girl's music. All that was in my mind was sadness. I started to cut myself as the music got sadder. Then I tried to hang myself with my arm bleeding badly. Some one knocked on my door and then opened it. They saw me hanging there almost dead. Then she called for help and got me down and started to resusitate me. I woke up in my bed, my arm bandaged and a staff member from the home sitting by my bed reading a book. I sat up and she said "how are you feeling sam? are you ok?". I said "no I feel very stupid and dumb". She said "hmmm, why did you try to do that sam you always seemed happy?". I then explaned why and what happend that night and she nooded. She understood, she was always so nice to me. She said "You have to go to court for something on the 10th of may". I asked "What for?". She said "I dont know you'll find out though soon". She then smiled and said "Want to get some food?" Then I went to eat. The 6th of May came and my 17th birthday with it. I had a good time but I kept thinking what do they want now? The 10th of May came. I went to court.

Back in the court room. The magistrates said to me "Sam we have been informed of the incident where you tried to kill yourself, we are concerned about you and we would like to put you up for assesment in a mental hospital what do you have to say".I then explained why this happend. They then spoke and said "Your parents want you to go to see if you have mental problems so you have no choice". So as they said I had to go there. I had heard about them and I didn't like it. I was scared and I wanted to run away and never look back. I called my Mum on the way and said "This is helping me?! What the fuck are you trying to do to me?". She said "We have been trying to find out the problem for years Sam, we wish it could be different but it can't sorry". I kept thinking of running away but I stopped the feeling and then got there to the hospital in newcasle. It looked very scary and I felt like a small thing to it. I didn't like the look of it but I kept walking and thinking don't be scared sam don't. Then they then took me in the unit and showed me round it. My fear didn't change at all. The first night they put me in a room with padded walls and nothing in there. I was so scared that I just sat down and went to sleep shakeing with fear. The next day I woke up and they moved me to a better room with a window and bath room, with shower. The other people on the unit were very strange. They stared at me. Thay started the assesment. They took me to a room and asked me things about my past, what I want to do in life, about my childhood and many other things as well. I answered them and then went back to the unit. The unit had a sitting room with a tv. I lived with 6 others, 3 boys and 3 girls. I got to know them fast, some were fine, but others were very strange. They had a school there. It was like year two in primery school! I hated it so much and so did some others. I got on well with a girl there. I was in the bedroom next to her one night. I heard her voice from some where on the wall, calling my name. I looked more close and saw it came from the plug hole in my room (weird and a bit mad I thought at the time). I said "Is that you gem?". She said "Yes can you hear me?". I said "Yes how did you know we can talk in these to each other?". She said "Because I can hear your music come from them, you alright?" I said "Yes I hate it here, they have finished the assesment on me and I'm waiting for the results you?". "Yeah" she said "I'm ok". Then I asked her a question that made me shake. I asked "Do you think i am mental?". "No" she said "why?". I then told her about my childhood and my life. She then said "Ok I grew up not so different from that, but it don't mean your mental". Then she said "Any way see you in the morning I'm sleepy". As far as I saw we was the only one's on the unit that didn't take medication, But why though.

The results came back from the assesment and they said I had no mental illness. But thay wanted to do the assesment again. I said it was fine and then started one more that seemed like the last. It got finished and nothing came back as mental illness. My Grand Dad died that week. A member of staff "Bet you wish you where there huh" in a take the piss tone. I was upset enough by it without people taking the piss. I turned and said "Would you like it if i took the piss out your family or friends dieing?". He then replied by saying "No but i dont give a shit if you do hahaha stupid mental person". I then couldn't take any more and ran to my room. I sat on my bed and cried for ages. He came down to my room and said "People have problems you know, but you dont have to cry like a little stupid baby; what are you man or mouse?". As I got to my feet I said "I'm a man!! leave me alone!!". Then he then pulled the alarm and ran at me to try and restraine me. I dodged him and punched him in the temple as hard as i could. He fell to the floor with a grunt and I kicked him full in the face. Then I went to my bed, sat down and cried again. The responce came to my room then saw the staff member on the floor and me sitting there crying. The Nurse (after many attempts to get the unconsious member of staff out of my room)asked me what happend. I explained that he had been mocking my Grandfathers death and calling me a weakling for crying about it. She then offered me a pill to calm down. I said "No thank you, I can calm down". She said "Sorry, but you hurt some one, you must take it or get an injection". I said "Ok I'll take it but it will not help me". I took it and swollowed it. I felt my head swim in a strange way, my chest heave. Then I threw up about ten times in a row. I passed out after. When I awoke, the nurse came and said "I'm sorry Sam, I didn't know that would happen and I didn't want you to take it; but I had no choice, the rules said you have to". I said "It's ok, I was right though; the pill wouldn't have helped?". She said "No you threw it back up and passed out for the rest of the day". It was strange I must admit. I then came to the conclusion that medication and my body don't agree with each other. The doctor came the next day and said "I need one more assesment done". I felt as if I was being imprisoned or something. I hated it very much. I got sadder day by day and then the big day came when it was all over.

The assesment said I had A.S.D or small traits of it. They sent me to a place called Brookdale Independent Hospital. The new doctor came and said "You can go home for a week and for christmas, I have asked your Mum and Dad. They seem eager to see you". I met very interesting people there. Some good, some bad, but you get these people in hospitals like these. I went home and enjoyed it. The first thing I did was hug my mum for what seemed like for hours saying "I miss you, I love you mum". The days past and I came back to Brookdale. I meet a few people there and made new friends and got on well there. I had leave to go out and enjoy my day. Then we had new people coming in. The groups the day centre held where ok but i liked meeting people at them and talking more then doing the things in the group. One day I came back from my home leave and heard from a friend a new girl had came and she was very nice looking. I wanted to meet her like all new people at Brookdale. It's good to know people even if you dont like the place you live. Friends had always helped with it in ways many don't understand. I met her at a group, her name was Emma Thomson and she seemed nice and good looking. I got talking with her and she asked if i had a girl friend. I said "No you?". She said "No i dont have a boy friend, I'd ask you out, you'd probably say no though". I said "I didn't say that but I'll think about it". I got to know her for the rest of the night. That night I had a dream about her and me. It was romantic(my mum always said I was romantic like my dad). It feelt nice, so the next time I saw her I said "Would you still like me as your boy friend?". She said "Yes" with a smile and I said "Ok will you go out with me Emma?". She said "Yes". Then hugged me and kissed me in frount of all the other boys. I knew they were all jealous and I found that it would mess it up because of it.

I grew to love Emma in the time we spent together. We had sex one day in a garden. She asked me. I didn't mind what we did as long as she was happy. So we did it and it was not what I'd call sex. It didn't go as well as I thought and after things went bad people started asking her why him! and talking about us non stop behind my back and some times in frount of me. I said to Emma, don't let it pee you off, ignore them or tell me to stop them because I can stop them, they will listen to me, trust me. She never asked me to stop them but became colder and colder with me week after week. I wished we could go back to the way we were but she wouldn't. I tried, but it never worked, we broke up and got back together so many times it upset me so much but she didn't seem to care about it any more. Then the children at school in my childhood or the magistrates when thay sent me to hell and back. I felt like dieing again but changed my mind. I didn't want to go back agaon. So I let it pass by and it got worse and worse, day by day, week by week. I knew she loved me and she also was angry at me as is it was my fault people peed her off so much.

I did the only thing I could do. I spoke to the doctor, that was both mine and hers and she said "Don't worry things will get better, if you let them go where they must go". I asked if Emma could get more leave even on section, maybe that will make her happier or even start forgiving me. I didn't stop them. I should have done it even if she didn't ask. I know that now but how can I if people keep doing it behind my back. I knew she loved me but why such hate and anger as well. I wish you could feel what I feel and as the days pass and the stars fade at night i kept thinking of her.

Have you ever needed some one so badly?

I kept thinking about her. It's like she was in my head or something. Maybe I should have asked the doctor about it?. No they may call me mental or even hurt emma even more. These thoughts kept coming into my mind. I wanted to tell Emma about them but it's too hard. I was scared she would just say you're mental!!! and hate me or keep away from me. I don't want that at all. I need her for some reason. I try to think why but the answers never come to me. I have never felt this way in my life about someone. It's like she's haunting me inside my head in my heart and my very soul. She wrote a book and gave me a copy of it. I read it often hoping to fine a clue. We grew up the same way, had a bad time in life and with a bad start. I mean if only she could read the letters or understand what we have or just accept the fact that I need her when we leave here and go the different ways. We will. I'll never forget her and always think about her but I'll let her go. But I have the time to be with her now and I wouldn't miss the chance to be there for her and give her my help or wisdom. I believe she has learnt a lot from me. I have from her too and it has helpd me a lot in many ways. All I hope to do is help Emma and stay by her side even if it meant dieing for her, I'd do anything for her.