Welcome to A.S.S.G.O

My name is Emma Thomson. I’m 18 years old. Currently learning to drive, I have been for about a year now. I passed my theory test on my second attempt. Not done my practical test yet though. When I was younger I had epilepsy. I was treated by Dr Holton who it was later found that he prescribed the wrong to a lot of children and there was a lot of lives destroyed. I live in Leicestershire with my parents where there isn’t a lot of help for Autism/Aspergers Syndrome and related conditions. I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome when I was 16 by Birmingham Forensic Team in Solihull. When I found out it was incurable I was devastated. I don’t want to live the way I’m living for the rest of my life. I was hoping when they found out they could cure me instead of leaving me that way. All my life I’m going to have this thing that makes me odd and differently from others. I love music most of all. I love songs by Jem, Tatu, s Aloud and others down that line. Also like some oldies but that’s a secret that I don’t like to admit to. I sing a lot in my bedroom. I wish I had the confidence to sing in real life but I don’t so my voice is unheard by many. I can sing on the karaoke with others people as long as my voice isn’t standing out.  I am quite different to a lot of people, probably not the weirdest though. I have senses that others don’t seem to have but it’s something that no one should worry about. I’m nearly normal and I thought it was time to tell my story about being treated abnormally.

My school days were a total mess. Primary school I got behind and struggled with the work, especially Maths. It was ok though they never refused the right for me to have an education. Secondary school was a terrible disaster that I still to talk about today. I was bullied there to as well as getting in trouble. I wrote a lot of times to two teachers there. It ended with police getting involved and now I’m not allowed anywhere near that school. Neither am I allowed near the members of staff that works there. Next was High school where I got bullied even worse. To name but a few incidents I suffered there was a boy trying to strangle me with bulldog wires in science and the same one prodded me with a stool leg as well. I felt isolated there and never learnt a thing. I didn’t have a statement of special needs so I didn’t get the help I needed when Leicestershire funding for education was dropped. I played up then because I couldn’t do the work so I skipped classes and wouldn’t go to classes when I was told to. I even got banned from one of my friends who I wrote graffiti on the ’s toilets wall. I also prank called a teachers home that I knew from my secondary school. Which I feel guilty for now because I shouldn’t have blamed her for all that went on in my past. Eventually I got excluded and put on work-sent-home study, in other words distance/open learning. They never gave me the chance to do all my GCSE’s. I only got to do English and Double Science which I didn’t do terribly well in. I got English D and Double Science FF. They also said I could do Numeracy Certificate but I never received that and the maths on that paper was so easy I knew the answers I put were right myself. All them schools though I was told to write if I wanted to say something. Look what’s happened because of it. You’ve ruined my life, you always have.

Then I went to college in September 2004. I settled down there quite well, more than I have done anywhere else. Then I slipped into my old Aspie habits again. I got to know someone I trusted and really wanted as a friend. Trouble was she was my tutor for that year and probably twice my age. I didn’t know how to be so I panicked and just said anything and did anything. My bad traits came out because I went into panic mode when I realised because of her age and the student-tutor situation this was going to be a very hard challenge for me. The emails, letters, phone calls where I couldn’t get the confidence to talk and the sneaking around I did getting information behind her back was just me trying to hard again to be accepted. All that happened during the summer. I’ve been searching for a best friend older than me who is genuine for a very long time. Last year when I was on pathfinders’ pre vocational course I settled for the first time in my life at that college. I was supposed to move on to another course this year. Then they excluded me and I’ve been off college for a lot of weeks now. They are trying to organise a package of distance learning for me. I don’t want to be stuck at home all the time. I want to be in normal classes like everyone else. They stated in their letter that the programme I was on before wasn’t suitable for me. In just two days I was on before wasn’t suitable for me. In just two days I was doing fine and was talking and getting on well with them all. What they are planning to put in place is stupid. They can’t really stop me sending emails from time to time when I’m not on their computers. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I’m being treated like a disease. I feel like no one wants me. I can’t get used to anywhere because they chuck me out. They are damaging me; I can literally feel the stress and frustration physically. All I ask for is a normal life. I don’t want all this stress that I can’t take much more of. All I want is a best friend of my choice I can tell things to and a normal college course is that too much to ask? Everyone’s got everything wrong. I’m sorry for what happened but I can’t reverse it although I’d really love to. Every day the college keep me at home I feel like I’m rotting away. I meant NO one ANY harm by doing any of what I did. I’m asexual, that means I don’t ual feelings for either males or females. I only write because I can’t talk confidently to people so I used a strength of mine. A lot of people owe me sincere apologies because the way I’ve been treated is appalling. I am a very caring underneath my Aspergers I don’t deserve this. What hurts me the most is that my ex tutor hasn’t stood up for me one little bit when I opened up to her about my past and she promised me last year that this would never happen to me again. Well that was obviously a very false promise. She also told me to write if I couldn’t say anything, so I did. I don’t want to be fobbed off the way they are fobbing me off now. I am a person and I have feelings just like the staff does. This is what I want and they had better listen to me this time. I want to be put on my course I was on GNVQ Foundation ICT.  I want a normal class room situation. Be able to talk to who I want to so I can feel socially adequate, not like I have felt in the past. All I need is a helper that can feed the work to me that I’ve missed with all this messing about. My ex tutor said I could send her emails so it should be up to her really no one else. She is in control all the time I can assure you. I enjoyed what I found when I started college and I’d like people to at least try and accept me for who I am. I want to go back to the college that I started at and got used to not any other college site. My wishes have a right to be granted.

People can be so shallow; they don’t care how much they ruin your life or hurt you. All that matters to them is the money they earn for putting up with you at their workplace. This whole situation has made me very depressed. I cry myself to sleep every night wondering how the one person in the world could ruin your life. She must have known this was going to happen. Either that or something dodgy is going on with the upper management of the college. I’ve had enough of their delays now. The frustration is getting to me so much. I to think what programme they’re going to put me on. I have an idea what it is though and to me that is discrimination because even the pathfinders with worse special needs than Aspergers get to college, segregation and isolation as they are cutting me off from people. There are no words to describe how I’m feeling inside right now. So hurt that people can come to the conclusion I’m something when I’m not. There’s no reason behind my writing, I only write when I’m bored. Do you remember how boring the summer holidays are? Exactly you have your answer.

I believe that it is good to be different though in this world. I would to be normal completely. I get fed up of being an Asperger. Sometimes I wish I could run away from it. But however far I run it’s still right beside me. There’s no getting away from the truth. The people I have had dealings with should count themselves lucky. They can get away from it but I have to live with it 24/7. One day I’ll get the understanding. I’m sick of losing people who I liked and trusted because of it. That’s why I would never write like that again. I’ve learnt now but no one believes that. I’m doing it to stop myself from suffering. Also to salvage what relationship I have left with my ex tutor as I don’t want to lose her like everyone else and we still have a chance to be friends. At least I’d have someone there that made me feel less alone and less abnormal in a normal world. I can repair this one just about this time and I want to. I hope she doesn’t me too much as I didn’t mean it just like every other time before with others I didn’t mean it to them either.

One lesson is to be learnt from all this though. The world won’t accept all the odd people in society. Especially the way Autism/Aspergers Syndrome affects you. Everyone with it has different things they do that aren’t acceptable. With mine it’s not very much but it gets treated very seriously. I don’t set out to hurt people or upset or even scare them. I set out to get on with them, have a friendship with them, look after them etc. The fact that I’m asexual doesn’t mean that I can’t care about people. I can confirm that Asperger suffers do have feelings that hurt just like every NT person. Right now I’m hurting so much but people think just because you have special needs you can’t feel anything emotionally. Well that is entirely untrue because I know I feel emotions. Emotions are caring about people, wanting to protect them, being glad that they are there so you know that they are ok. That is emotions so that means we can feel them. When you lose someone you feel like you’ve lost something that matters to you, you miss talking to them, there’s times you wish they were there to cheer you up when things are dark. Now let people say we don’t feel emotions. I feel like that about my ex tutor. She taught me to make eye contact with people and I was relaxed with her. I saw her as a valuable friend that I need in my life very much. A person leaving me has hurt me very much. If there’s one wish I could have is forgiveness from all for my stupidity and them all coming back to me. Anyone who reads this who thinks they know me and sometimes wonder what happened to that who wrote a lot to people, she isn’t that happy at the moment. But failure only makes you stronger and that’s what I do. Something goes wrong; you build everything back up and try again, eventually something good will come out of it. Yes this has her down points but she’s a fighter with a strong spirit who will always get through anything. If you ever wonder what happened to me lets just say it’s not been easy. Inside I have grown as a person. I feel more alive now and like I can touch everything in the world instead of looking from the outside in. At college last year I felt part of something for the first time in my life and I felt so glad to feel that way because I never thought I would. I will sort things out with the college because it’s important not to lose somewhere you have finally settled for the first time in your life. You never know might end up taking up a job there one day and becoming part of the place permanently. At the moment the way things are they wouldn’t let me be employed by them. Also even though I know they are going to take a person away from me I want to keep by my side as there are certain people who give me the strength to run my site, carry on etc. I am going to try begging them to let me still see this person as I do feel lost because the abruptness of the way things have happened. It’s like that person was ed out of my life over night and it totally threw me off track of things. If events happen like they have done I get totally confused and it has a knock on affect. I get depressed when things happen, do or say things I may regret. So it’s best for all of us involved if this isn’t blown out of all proportion. I’ve lost a lot of my confidence through this and I’m sure the teacher won’t want it looming over her head like a bad smell either. It’s best if we all are friendly to each other and let time take us to friendship if things just happen like that. I just want it to be nice around me to make it pleasant for all. 

By Emma Thomson

-Asperger Syndrome Suffer

- Also owns a website about the condition http://www.assupportgrouponline.co.uk    

Date written: 17th October 2005