Welcome to A.S.S.G.O

I've been thinking really hard about these decisions. I'm shattered because I didn't sleep at all last night. I had a nap this morning but doesn't feel like I've had any sleep. I'm just generally fed up of life quite a bit. I went out got drunk on friday night because I needed to chill out and let loose. I don't remember much of it but my head was spinning later when I went to bed. I wasn't sick or hung over which was surprising because I was drinking cider and white wine. I must be getting used to alcohol again because my capacity has gone up. I'm no longer ill after binge drinking on an evening out. I have a spinning head but thats ok compared to throwing up everywhere. I was a bit stupid because I drunkly hugged a member of staff from the care company in view of a lot of people. I also did other things that I'm not going on to. The other thing wasn't that bad but it was embarrassing when I discovered something I posted on facebook after I woke up the morning after it. It was deleted anyway so it isn't visible to anyone who was tagged in it. It would have been against facebook rules so I had to delete it. Back to the decisions I'm trying to make. It is hard to explain unless you are me you probably won't be able to see where I'm coming from unless you were in my position.I don't think it's wise to stay living where I am when I move out. it's nothing personal against anyone locally it's just the politics of the care company which 'looks after me' is getting too much for me. I know there has to be rules but they make us segregated from the community which feels horrible for me because I'm so normal compared to most of the other clients. I don't wish to be different anymore. I wish to fit in, but I'm smart enough to know that with the care company around me members of the public will never feel like they can accept me. I will never feel like I can go out there on my own without pushing people away unintentionally because of my fears. I do that mainly because I don't like carers interfering in my friendships or any type of my relationships. I know I've always had this problem that I've had to deal with because I know it's annoying to people. I can see it's got more shameful to have since I have been in care. I don't like being a social outcast because of where I live. The rules make me that way too because I'm not on the same intellect level as far as understanding etc than the other clients. That means that I can normally get on with the staff better but then I'm not allowed to be actual friends with them. It was the same at college which means I'm double whammed stuck in the same position in both cases. That makes me feel like complete crap. I know I have no choice but I'm not exactly going to sit there and accept it without having an opinion. I don't think it's fair on me at all. I have a right to express this even if I can't change it. I have to move away because if I stay here then I'll always be alone since everything is seen as a no. Those people who make rules have probably never been in the same position as me therefore how can they say these are right. In my spiritual belief everyone is equal regardless of their status in society. It doesn't matter who or what we are, our job or even our popularity. We are all the same as equals when we are standing alone without all our accessories. We can be the same intelligence level even if one of us is the lowest of society and the other is classed as a higher part of society. I am quite intelligent so higher classed people are who I normally want to associate with even if it's working class. I don't fit with the unemployed which is whyI would rather work than live off benefits. It's hand outs which can be taken from me at any time and that is stable enough for me. I need to get away from all the stigma of living at the care company. I don't like people thinking I'm stupid or insane or generally undesirable. I don't want others to class me as the same because I'm quiet and don't show my personality much. I can't stay in this area anymore. I need to get far away from the care company but I don't wish to go back home. I would have gone back home if my dad had still been alive. I'm not sure where I want to go but I can't stay here. No one knows how hurt I feel because of how things are as far as rules both here and at college regarding friendships with staff, Now someone idiot has brought in rules that they aren't allowed to keep in contact with ex students/clients too I'm always going to suffer. I've been waiting weeks going into months for that tutor to get back to me but she hasn't and I don't think she ever will. I'm still clinging on to some hope of course but it's only making me depressed. She told someone I know that she's too busy to deal with me right now but after a while and a few excuses coming back, they all seem just a string of white lies to spare my feelings.