Welcome to A.S.S.G.O

I was coping at the beginning of the whole thing but now it's sinking in I'm finding it difficult. I'm not feeling up to anything. I haven't done any of the college work that I have been sent much due to not feeling up to it. I know it's not a proper excuse but I can't force myself to do something that I can't emotionally handle. I have to go to the funeral on the 22nd anyway as I have no choice. I wish we could have just got it out the way so at least it would be final. It's like it is hanging in mid air. Dad needs to be put to rest then I can deal with it in my own way. I'm not looking forward to the funeral of course I'm not. I didn't even want this to happen for a long time yet. I just want to ring him like I used to when I got bored during the day. I am keeping a brave face on but it does hurt. I feel guilty that I weren't around. I haven't slept much the last few nights. I was a let down as a daughter. I got upset but that turned to anger towards everyone who has ever crossed me. I resented them for losing my Dad. No one is ever going to take advantage of me again and I won't let them call me names, I will just show them not to mess with me. We got Dad a train coffin that was eco friendly as we think he would like that.  There's been strange things going on since he died though. Both me and my Mum have met lots of people we used to know locally. I had a dream that scared the crap out of me as my Dad popped his head round the door and said hello. It wouldn't have scared me if he was alive but I knew that physically he no longer exists. Plus I couldn't see his head properly it was blurred but I recognised his voice and shape. Also tonight I know that I turned my light off and locked my door before I went out but when I got back in my light was on. Then later tonight a blank chat box popped up on my half sisters facebook from me and I hadn't noticed she was online let alone sent it. Then she told me that her door opened on its own the other day when I had told her what had happened earlier to me. If it is Dad then it just shows that the funeral should have been this week rather than next. It needs to be finalised. Even the deceased is restless by the looks of it. I don't really want him to pass on to the other side for good but it's kinder than keeping him here where i'll only disappoint him more.

Dad died on Sunday morning. I was due to go back to college on Monday but given the circumstances I went back to Leicestershire. It wast to be expected eventually with the illness that he had but I would have wanted more time. It was peaceful which was a blessing as he fell asleep in the chair (that I sit on normally) and never woke up again. I've been speaking to my medium friend who tells me that my dad's soul was leaving his body near his death. It explains the things he did sometimes. He fell asleep randomly twitching and saying things that weren't really clear. According to mum he woke up one day last week and blurted out that he was going to die. We just put it down to the fact that his illness really made him act strangely while he was asleep due to lack of oxygen. It was a shock and I did cry the day I found out but have stopped now. I miss him already. The funeral is delayed because of the crematorium being full up until the 22nd Feb. Plus there is going to be a post mortem. It's going to be long and drawn out which I didn't need to be honest.

I've been having some really strange things going on around me recently. I'm used to weird dreams as it's part of the process of being spiritual, it's the affects of the awakening and enlightment meaning I'm progressing onto the next level of spiritual development. The other things though I'm still getting used to because I haven't ever experienced before. I have been finding white feathers in random places a lot for at least a week now. I'm comfortable with that as apparently it's suppose to represent angelic protection and surrounding angelic love. I'm not comfortable with the fact that I keep finding scratch marks on my body when I know full well that I couldn't have done them. There are things that can attack you during this process but I've now started to protect myself so hopefully it won't happen again. I have just learnt how to meditate and control energy. I'm getting more experienced so am hoping it gets easier to fight off the energies that aren't helpful to have around your aura's energy. There are many forces out there that are technically evil which if they latched on to someone they could cause serious problems. I'm not sure if I believe in people getting possessed by these forces that some refer to as demons. I believe that they can influence peoples behaviour but not take over completely. I've been told by friends in the spiritual circle that I should go to a spritual chruch as someone from the spirit world wants to communicate with me. I'm still thinking about it, not sure if I want to hear from any spirit through someone else. It's personal to me whoever those people are and hearing things from a medium. I'd rather wait until I have progressed enough myself to do my own communicating. I'm also a little freaked out as I've started hearing sound in 3D motion kind of thing. It might be because of my cold as my ear went funny earlier when I blew my nose. I may just be getting too sensitive to things before I'm ready to develop those abilities. It's going to be strange while I'm learning this stuff. I don't think I'm ill as I think I would feel a lot worse than this if I was physically ill. I have a cold yes but it's not the worse one I've ever had. I might just have ear problems which is why I'm hearing surround sound. I was meditating earlier to clense all my chakras so that they work better. I am told that it is advisable to clense myself of all the bad energies that I pick up from every day life every 3 months. I also put a protection white bubble thing around me due to recent experiences (i.e unexplainable scratches). I have connected with my spirit guide and one of my angels by visualising during meditation. It's quite easy once you get the hang of it. I do actually feel completely refreshed and relaxed. It feels like I have been clensed. I'm not perfect but certainly have all those bad energies off me that I never knew how to shake off before. I'm too strong minded to be taken over by even the 'demon' energies. I won't put up with being scratched by something I can't even see and I know that I haven't got sharp enough nails yet to do it by accident. I know that the spirits surrounding the living try to piss us off by doing things that annoy us because we can't explain it. I'm skeptical until I experience things myself. I never thought that things could physically hurt me but after getting scratched I am willing to believe it. There really is no other explaination that I can think of as I know I couldn't have done them. I also know why I've been waking up early in the morning as apparently its the time when things are active and spirits bug the living. They try it on a lot when the living are going through spiritual development and enlightenment/awakening. I never saw the point in doing protection things before as I never thought that the unknown were able to affect the living, I had heard things but never believed it. I still have a cold which is making me feel like crap and also that time of the month. I have way over done the pain killer taking as brought a box of 32 and now have consumed the whole box within a week. I completely lose track of it sometimes no wonder my lower back is achy, it always gets like that when I take a lot within a short period of time.

I'm very tired but I can't sleep because I'm stressed over life in general. There are things that really get to me in this society. I don't like being referred to as a vulnerble adult. I also can't stand the political correct attitude within society that means you can't do anything. It's only the stupid of society that have caused these political correct rulings. I have the worse stomach ache ever and I smell terrible right now. I'm not in the best of moods feeling ill anyway. It's also that time of the month for me which is not helping me feel any better. I don't know why but ibs seems to come on much worse when I'm around my monthlies. I have the worse stomach ache ever at the moment which isn't helping me get to sleep. I do want to sleep so badly but I'm very uncomfortable. I'm just fed up of the way people treat me sometimes. I know that it seemed reasonable in that meeting the other day but to me I found certain things an insult. I no longer want to be seen as a vulnerble adult just because of my diagnosis. I feel thick when someone refers to me as vulnerble, like I can be taken advantage of easily. I know that sometimes people can take advantage of me but I've wised up since those times. I could now out smart a neuro typical person so easily now. I may email people as a communication thing but I'm sick of people having a go. I'm totally against the political correct movement instilled by our government in establishments like colleges. I feel that it worked a lot better when boundaries could be crossed as it doesn't feel like as humans we are equal anymore. We aren't technically equal anymore due to all these rules being instilled. All it takes is common sense. It is causing huge divides amoungst people now all these rules have been introduced. In all honesty it makes it harder for me as an individual affected by a social problem. I'm literally put off getting to know anyone due to stupid rules getting in the way. I developed a fear of talking to people due to the way society is now. I personally want to change the way society has gone but it will take more than me to stand up and say no. I am also irritated right now as the owls have decided to start hooting and it's a very haunting sound to me. It's like living in the countryside and reminds me of ghosts when they hoot. We have bats round here too I've seen them flying around the garden last summer. I'm too tired to think straight right now. I have a hot water bottle on my stomach but that still doesn't get rid of the stress factor. I wish I could get rid of the pc stuff as that would get rid of a lot of stress. The government is a force that no one can fight as they lock you up if you say anything that is against them. I've spent enough time in police cells and court rooms throughout my teen years, so I don't want to go there again.

I'm not sure if I've made the right decison, but it seems appropriate for the next few weeks. I'm too anxious to go into college right now. I'm also not feeling well as my ibs and is kicking off and it's the time of the month on top of it. I've got a major stomach ache because of it. It doesn't really make you feel in a reasonable mood. I have my lovely warm hot water bottle to ease it off when it gets bad.

I'm feeling a lot more spiritually developed lately. I keep having dreams where I wake up suddenly and my head is pulsing in pain. I should really learn to control energy as I think I may be letting too much in which is why I wake up with pulsing headaches. It's all about the chakras that let energy into your body. If it absorbs too much then you're likely to feel it.

I do miss college but too anxious to go back yet. I do feel like a failure but I can't help it.

I'm probably going to get expelled from college today. It worries me but I can't be bothered to fight people who are never going to get on with me. I don't want to drop out and if I don't get kicked out I am only going to agree to go in on one proviso. I do all the work that I can possibly complete at home. Only go in to hand the work in plus for group assessments. I am no longer going to do multi camera with the tutor who kicked me out the other day. I will just ask them to use the highest mark that I already have gained in that as my final mark. I'm going to ask for all the other briefs to be given to me for this terms work. I will go in for editing lesson as long as they change the tutor as its the one I've had problems with the other day. If they don't change the tutor I'll go in after college when another tutor said he is going to be in there so that people can do extra editing. It's a shame that I've had to come to this decision but people are making assumptions that aren't even true. I'm better off not there most of the time. If I'm not there people tend to forget things that have gone on plus they can't get any worse. I'm not being a whimp. I'm not wanting confrontation with anyone because that isn't in my nature anymore. You either avoid it or get walked over.

I was doing my work fine and doing exactly what I was told in class right. The tutor kicked me out for no reason whatsoever. I'm nearly in tears as I thought she understood me and respected me as a person. Despite that though, that isn't the main issue here. The main issue is that I was doing exactly what I was suppose to be doing and there was nothing wrong any of it,  The tutor was in a mood but I was one of the ones who was actually working. I now don't have the briefs that I missed and she was unwilling to discuss it and I was scared to go back and confront her. I really hate confronting other women who are angry. Both of us just needs to chill I think and she really needs to calm down. I've sympathised with the tutor and been really patient with her but I don't see why I should anymore. I was the only student who believed in her at one point but now she has reduced me to tears, I'm not so sure anymore. I am really understanding but if all anyone is going to do is tell me to get out and continually leave me out of things I don't see why I bother, I'm now torn between putting in a complaint and letting her off and putting it down to being in the wrong place at the wrong time when she got moody. I know she's a good person and I see good things in everyone. I'm willing to forgive when no one else is even willing to consider. I'm not ready to talk about the issue yet and I doubt I will get an applogy. I'm feeling a bit delicate too as well as the fact that I haven't slept either. I'm not going up there to try talking to her as I don't want to end up in a row with her. I know her well enough now to know that she needs time to chill if she's in a mood. I understand more than she realises but I can only be for a certain amount of time and after a while people take the piss. They know that I'll put up with there behaviour towards me. I've put her through a lot due to my moods so I do owe her but I'm only prepared to give so much. She's probably just angry at me due to other things that I have done. I'm trying to sort that as well but I have my own problems and it's not so easy as people think. I'm going to completely stop people from thinking Aspergers Syndrome is something you use as an excuse. I haven't fought every single day of my life to cope just for people to call it an excuse. I've worked my butt off for years to make changes. I know I won't ever be able to please every single person but I'm commited to what I do. I know we are living in a politically correct country but I'm never going to be like that. I will say what I like, do what I like and make sure I gain some kind of respect for it. I need to get used to this again as it's been years since I was involved in the awareness thing properly. People's opinions have changed, new research has been done and even society has changed things. I just got one of the people from my class down here, I know that they got me kicked out they gave me a ha ha bitchy look I win kind of thing as they left the library. It's not over though, they haven't won. I can lie just as much as them to get my own back. I actually think it's immature that I have to but what can you do? I need to protect myself from shit that flies don't I? I know this rhymes and it's not suppose to, but if shit hits the fan you got to have a plan. There is no way I'm going to let them get me expelled. My life has already consisted of that and I'm not prepared to go there again when this time I haven't done anything wrong. I ain't no push over even though I used to be. I've hardened up and they are going to see the toughened up side of me. I don't have to use threats or violence I'm clever, I use my brain to stitch them up the way they just stitched me up.If I let them get away with it they could well and truely get me expelled. I will not be bullied and if needs be I will get a group to back me up. Facebook is the worse thing ever invented if me and another girl had never argued on there this wouldn't have been the case today. It's pure spiteful bitchyness and it has reduced me to tears. I'm no weakling though, tears don't mean that I can't take the shit.

I have been awake all night worried about facing college. I am sick of people saying that I use my Aspergers Syndrome as an excuse. It's beyond as much as I can take now. It has come to my attention that I'm not the only one who has this problem. It kind of makes a mockery of the work I've done on the website raising awareness etc over the last couple of years. In fact it is a personal insult to me that people acuse affected individuals with Aspergers as making excuses with it. I haven't worked my butt off for years trying to increase understanding and bridging the gap between the neurotypicals socialising and the individuals affected with ASD's purely to have it destroyed by people who are far too ignorant. It's laughable that people who say this oh you're making excuses line are the ones which claim to understand. They have no idea really they are just trying to make themselves look like a respectable person. I'm saying no to this attitude. If I ever got the power I'd get everyone who thought of us as making excuses sacked from care jobs etc. Aspergers isn't an excuse, it's a reality and it's the reason behind the behaviour. Now all we need to do is get it into the thick skulls of idiots who pretend to 'get it' as they are destroying the whole plan of awareness.

Sorry I haven't wrote on here for a while had things to do that made me forget about blogging. I'm suppose to be heading to college by now but I have a fear of people badly at the moment. I'm working up to facing everyone together. I look and feel a mess now. I am probably going to get told off when the manager of the home comes in at 9 for not having gone yet. I'm going to aim to be there at break time. I just need to chill out before and get ready for college relaxed instead of stressy. I straightened my hair last night then fell asleep, so I have wavy bits in it. I'm wearing my hair with a frindge now most of the time. I don't mind most of the wavy bits as long as my frindge is not that wild looking. I'm going to put coconut oil on it just to make it look a little bit more healthy rather than straightened to death. It is getting better but any type of styling drys it out regardless whether you use anti burn products. I am needing new straighteners too as mine keep steaming which I don't think they originally did when I first got them. I've been lucky with my straightners they've lasted me years. I have heard of several cases where this year where girls have recieved hair straightners for christmas presents and they caught fire. It's really not a comforting thought since you put them in your hair. I've set my hair on fire before by accident and had to cut the part out that had burnt. I was lighting a fag when I last smoked in the summer of last year. I don't smoke regularly it was just relaxing to have a little walk in the lighter warmer nights smoking a fag and chilling out. I went off the idea after that due to not liking the smell that lingered on me afterwards. It was also the time when I gave up on nail extensions because I was sick of the constant going for refils ever two or three weeks. I'm still trying to grow my own nails as a new years resolution. I am doing well so far although I've only been in 2010 for two weeks. I just need to get over my social fears now which is so very difficult due to my condition anyway. I am willing to prove that Aspergers can be over come it's just I am extremely nervous of getting hurt by people due to the past. I'm continually getting into arguements due to my opinions so that doesn't help. I'm feeling sick due to anxiety about going into college today. I know a lot of things have been said that probably isn't entily true and people believe anything they chose. I'm a spiritual person now which means I have to love everyone regardless of their faults. It's hard and I'm not sure how religious organisations find the ability to do that. I will not hate anyone and I will teach the world to do the same through a chain reaction. We have to stamp out terriorism, war, all the political shit that goes on throughout the world. It may not happen in my life time but I hope that one day there will be a peaceful world without them things. I am not talking about stamping out these things with conflict but there can be other ways. It just requires a little imagination and understanding and the ability to break through people's ignorance. We have to be proud of who we are as indivduals. We don't have to be in groups because that sometimes leads to bad things occuring. We have to keep our minds unlinked from others so that we can think for ourselves. Also in many close communities we have to quit gossiping about each others lives. It doesn't show that we like others, it shows that we are not loving other people in respect for who they are as individuals. I know that I've been bad in that way, even to the point of spreading rumours that weren't true but it's time to change. I am willing to admit that I did wrong before I followed the path of this spiritual stuff and I won't do it again. I am more commited to my beliefs than to any person I want as a friend. It has to be that way because no ones love and respect is worth all the hassle that comes with trying to be something you're not for them. It destroys the purpose of your path in life and could have so much impact on everyone and everything around you. I have to go now as I'm going to have to make it to college at some point today. I am sure the tutor will not even notice I'm not there anyway she never normally does, so am going to creep in as if shes not teaching like she normally doesn't then she isn't going to notice. I've missed her lessons a lot due to getting bored in her classes, miracles aren't going to occur now. I know my attendance is shit but maybe if other students didn't give me such a hard time then I would actually want to go to college.