Welcome to A.S.S.G.O

I have a bit of a nightmare life right now. I briefly mentioned that they were going to be holding a child protection conference to discuss whether my unborn baby had to be put under a protection plan or not. In the end it turned out that everyone in that meeting agreed that he should be put under one. I'm not allowed to discuss it because they gag parents on purpose. They're just saying that I'm too vulnerable to be able to protect my baby and my aspergers traits will prevent me from realising the needs of the baby. They don't like the fact that I use the internet a lot. I don't use it as much as I used to anyway due to being busy doing other things. I find the internet boring now so I only use it when I've got nothing else to do. I was also honest about my over texting problem that happened with someone I know recently. That was used against me in reports as they're saying my current behaviour would prevent me from being able to care for the baby. They've basically put him under a protection plan as at risk of neglect. They assume I'll leave him in the corner of a room while I go on the internet etc. I'm not that cold hearted. I won't care about the internet once my baby is here. They say I'm vulnerable but I wouldn't be fighting back if I was, a truly vulnerable person can be walked all over. I fight back if I think someone is trying to screw me over in any situation. As I have said before I don't trust anyone because of the things I've been through and that protects me. They took bits from reports and made them sound worse. They added the word severe before aspergers so I looked completely incapable to people reading them that have to make judgement on the situation. I've worked hard to deal with my problems. Since I've not had support I've improved a lot because I've had to. I have grown up a lot and most of what they brought up in the meeting isn't current anymore. I don't think the same anymore as I did then, I love my baby and want to be left alone without anyone interferring. I don't have learning disabilities (unlike the report said from school record) so like anyone else I can learn how to look after a baby. I can't prove this until he's born. It seems that they've not even given me a chance though. I'm not even allowed to leave the hospital without permission from authorities and as soon as he is born the authorities will be notified of his birth. It's like he's not mine anymore. I feel like the authorities are making him their baby. I know he wasn't conceived in a conventional situation. But even my reasoning means that he was wanted from the start. That is an important aspect as there are so many unwanted kids that just get dragged up by parents who drift through life basically being no hopers. I'm nothing like that. I'm not a lazy no hoper and my boy won't be brought up to be one either. He will be looked after and brought up well. He won't be neglected and brought up to be a financial drain on the system. I will love him and protect him from the likes of idiots for the whole of his life not just as a baby/child.They want a psychological assessment done which will prove if I'm able to or not. If I'm not they will assess my mum for kinship. If she doesn't meet their criteria then he gets put into foster care and eventually adopted. I'm sure that I'm not going to fail the assessment as psychologically I'm a balanced individual. The assessment will take 6-8 weeks to come through and I only have 9 weeks till I have the baby. It's a little close for comfort to say the least.

As this wasn't enough right now. I then got served section 21 notice to get out of my current accomodation by mid april which is extremely close to when my baby is due. The estate agent couldn't tell me why when I asked him. I don't owe rent arrears and I have never broken the tenancy agreement. They are advertising the property right now and there's already two people coming to view it this week. They want to re let it but not to me for some reason. I have to find somewhere in less than 9 weeks in a different area as moving back towards family. I'm on the housing list but there's so many people waiting for the little housing that is available. Now that I'm threatened with homelessness I have to go see housing options officer with my social worker as soon as possible. It really isn't pleasant to be me right now. I'm sorry if I can't be smiley laid back Em right now. I've had a lot to deal with over the last coule of months and at times been grumpy towards people. If you knew what was going on behind the scenes though you'd see why. I just want the chance to be a normal mother without my disability being used against me. I'm open, honest and mature. I do my best that is all I can do.

I know I've not blogged for a while but had so much to sort out. Because of my Aspergers associated behaviours my baby is going to be looked at by a child protection conference which is on later this week. I know a lot of stress to cope with in my condition but things seem to be ok.

I was in hospital last week for hours. I ended up there as I fell over on my front. I bruised my knee mostly but went to get baby checked to see if he was ok. I ended up waiting there for hours as the last blood test I'd had showed I had low iron count. I had to have my levels measured in more depth that meant more blood tests then had to wait for those results. I didn't get out till late that evening. I had to go to ask permission to go as if I'd waited for doctor to come out of surgery I may have been there all night. I just explained that I had to get home as I lived half an hours drive away and my phone had no more battery left on it. I had to drive home while praying that I had no car problems where I'd need my phone. It was cold, dark and horrible by the time I got out of there. Anyway my baby is fine and I'm slowly building my iron levels up taking these tablets. Yes the symptoms that they are renowed for I have experienced after a few days of taking them. I've got to have a blood test in 5 weeks to see if my levels have gone up. I got asked whether I felt dizzy or anything as that was a sign of iron depletion. I did have jelly legs and felt extremely sick and lightheaded at one point, but that was when I had a bad knee so I presumed the pressure of that on my body caused me to feel weird. I also have seen stars before my eyes when I've got up a few times throughout my pregnancy. That may have been a sign. I've been tired all the way through too.

I am fed up with how people don't understand. Yes I know I have problems that make friendships hard for me to keep. But people don't see that by walking away they help me or the situation. It's left unfinished and therefore makes me even more untrustworthy of people. It's really not fair on me as the people I get to know and like leave me. It's not like I deserve it. I'm fed up of people being busy when it comes to me. If people don't wish to stick around for me now then if people do return in the future then I should tell them to go do one. Why should I make it easy for them if they won't stick around when times are hardest for me? I've never been a bad mother but because of my disability I automatically get a load of stress put on me with proceedings from child services. They think my disability behaviours will result in me neglecting my baby when I've not even had chance to prove myself yet. I don't knowhow they can justify putting him on the protection register when they've not even given me  a chance. He's not in danger at all with me. I wanted to have a baby because like many women I had that urge to want to become a mum. After university plans fell through there was nothing stopping me. There's not a lot I can do in life as never been able to gain employment and every time I enter education it never goes to plan. And having a child this young frees me up towards the time when he's going to be reaching his teenage years and getting more independent from me. Unless I meet someone to settle down with then I won't be having anymore children. I'd love a girl but one child on my own is enough for time being. The pain of birth may put me off having another one even with a partner. I can't say I'm not dreading that part even now. I have 11 weeks to go and I'm sure they'll fly by. I'm about 7 months now and even that has gone quick. I'm 30 weeks next week and my bump has started to emerge properly now. I think it's what's known as about to pop time. I feel extremely heavy already and the baby is only 3lbs worth of the weight I'm carrying. I know this sounds bad but I barely walk anymore. I can only manage half an hour without it getting too achey. It's probably time to put my feet up. It gets boring but at same time its harder to move than it used to be.

Anyway I'm absolutely shattered. I'm off to sleep now. Night all x

I'm not happy with the way people try to get involved in my life. They don't do it because they're concerned. They do it because they just want to watch others suffer. They do it because their own lives are miserable and boring. There is no reason to be jealous of me. I'm nothing special. I've never had a job. I'm alone a lot because I get socially anxious if I go places on my own. I don't have many friends and I waste my life living off benefits without a hope in hells chance of ever bettering myself. I know that I can have a child but that's a good thing in a million bad things. I wanted to go to university but I was stopped from doing that. I was denied my education because of how my disability affected me. I could have been some successful big shot by now but instead I've had to struggle. I'm intelligent enough to have got far if I'd had the chance. I have the looks too which I know how to use. I don't have the means to be better than anyone else though. There's no need to be jealous of me because I probably won't get anywhere in life. I'm even potentially having my future as a mother questioned. The authorites are holding a child protection conference. They're going to drag all my past up, my criminal record, my behaviour problems and history of mental health. It doesn't help right now that people are passing stupid things onto mental health services. I'm not suicidal. I'm just worried my baby will be taken from me. I can't help being stressed about it. I'm carrying a baby that the authorities could decide isn't going to be mine. If they decide I can't look after him because of my aspergers syndrome related things I may have to hand him over. I don't see why I should have to go through all this. I just want the opportunity to have what lots of women have. They don't get hassled by social services. Just because I have my Aspergers doesn't mean i'd abuse or neglect the baby. I can meet his emotional and physical needs just like any 'normal' mum. The wellbeing of my baby will be well taken care of because I'm not stupid. I don't need help if authorities just plan on taking over my life. He's my child and I'm keeping him. I'm not mentally unstable. I would never commit suicide even though I do get extremely upset sometimes. I'm not mad, I've never been mad and I never deserved to be sectioned in the past. I didn't intentionally go out there to commit any crimes when I was younger. I am who I am and I shouldn't be punished for that. I no longer want professionals in my life or my babies life. I was asked if I wanted to go back into one of the homes I used to be in to have company.  I don't want to be there. I shouldn't have to go back to live there if I'm just wanting to be less lonely. I shouldn't have to be put into an institution and anyway with a baby I can't live there. Maybe that's the way of taking him from me though.I don't know what to think right now. They said they'd give me support but all I'm getting is things I don't want, so maybe it's better to do it alone.

I don't know whether to bother making them as most people never keep to them. I have decided I'm not going to drink Coka Cola anymore. It's full of shit and not good to drink anymore. It's probably bad for the baby too. He's kicking me a lot today so I think he's missing it too. It's addictive. But it's full of crap that shouldn't be consumed. I don't want the baby getting the same condition as me because of the stuff I'm consuming while I'm pregnant. I'm not saying Aspergers/Autism etc is the worse thing he could get but I live with the implications of having developed it every day of my life. I can't help how genetically he gets affected but if it is environmental or chemically induced I can help that. I don't smoke, only have slight amount of alcohol on special occassions. I eat healthily and I eat crap. I suppose that's a balanced diet. I'm doing the best for him. I can't do anymore. I'm starting to feel quite heavy already. I do have a bump but it's not huge yet. I don't know how I'm going to cope when I get bigger. I can still fit into most things as got bigger clothes from when I was fatter due to being on medication. I know 3 months seems not that long but it's dragging so much. April seems so far away. I know once I get bigger I'll be glad it's nearly over as my back is hurting now.

I'm also going to try to stop being so miserable. It's going to be hard because of how people treat me sometimes. It's not called for at all. I am who I am, I don't deserve to be disliked and ignored because of it. I don't think others realise how much it hurts to be left out by others because of the person that you are. That is why this year we are going to technically be forceful with our awareness campaigning. We will be force feeding the public the importance of acceptance of each others differences. It may be a little harsh but they say if you can't do things nicely to get the message across it's time to take a more drastic approach. Lets face it the tactics we've tried that are full of niceties and acceptable ways of awareness campaigns. We've got to go out there this year. We have to make a scene instead of staying in the background. I am shy and it is hard to just say what is needed without being scared of a backlash and always being punished for it. I'm used to my life being invaded by authorities anyway so I don't give a shit if I tread on anyones toes. They won't leave me alone anyway. I'm so used to being treated as a non person and left out because of how my condition affects me. It's not acceptable though and we have to teach that to the public. I have had so much shit in my life that wouldn't have occured if I hadn't had aspergers syndrome.

Nearly another year over. It feels like it's gone really quickly. I was going out for new year but a friend of mine couldn't come out at last minute. I have a seriously annoying cold anyway so not really up to going out. It also sucks because I can't see the new year in drunk due to being preggers anyway. I won't be able to go out next new years eve unless someone babysits for me. I'm going to try be less miserable in the new year but as long as people start treating me like a person, rather than only talking to me or being friendly to me because they feel sorry for me. I'm a person too. I'm no longer under what I used to be. I live in my own flat just like a lot of other people who are classed as normal. I don't like being classed as vulnerable because believe me, I'm not. I know every grown up game in the book. I know exactly how to play thme if someone screws me over now. I'm not stupid so I wish people would stop treating me like I am. It seems every time I reach out to others they don't want me so I'm just going to go numb towards others it's less painful. No one has an excuse because my email and mobile number is known by them. I'm just an inconvience to them, I'll never be good enough. I let people into my life and they just hurt me. They make every excuse in the world why it's just always my fault. I warn everyone what I'm like to avoid the hurt. I need people to be around me being 6 months pregnant. The more people you have around as 'support' the more chance of keeping the authorities questioning whether I can do this. I don't want to really move back to Leicestershire. I'd rather try to make a go of it where I live now. I just want the authorities to leave me be. I''m always going to have Aspergers. There's nothing wrong with my mental state whatsoever. I will always feel guilty for the times I've messed up but I can't change it. I'm not good at relationships but that doesn't make me a bad person. I'm fed up of being made to feel even more guilty about the person that I am. Everyone has their faults and can function in their lives. If the authorities weren't sniffing around me because of my past. Each time I go to see the midwife she looks at her computer and the various services have been communicating about the situation. I wish they'd just keep out of my buisness. I want to be treated as a normal mother, not communicated about via computer notes behind my back. I'm never going to be perfect but it takes time to learn as you're growing up. I'm a lot better than I used to be. At least I don't smoke, drink or do drugs. It's not fair to be judged on one part of your personality when you are so much more than a particular problem that you have. I deserve people too. I don't deserve to be alone because of my bad points. People say I'm pushing them away but really I'm begging them to stay. I've never had a baby before. 2012 is going to be a really different year for me. I don't want the authorities to help me. I want the people around me to help me. I don't want to annoy them but I want them to stick around.

Anyway it's a shit start to the new year as I have this really bad cold. I can't sleep with it. I have a very sore nose and it keeps blocking up. I even get blood coming out of it at times. I'm so fed up of it. I've only had it this bad two days, but everyone who has had this cold for a few weeks. There is no way that I can stand this for a few weeks. I can only take paracetemol and that isn't working well. I feel like someone has punched me in the nose. I don't want to start 2012 feeling this ill. It's really not a good oman, it doesn't fill me with much hope for the coming year. They say it starts as it means to go on. I hope this year coming doesn't stay bad.

It seems that my disability takes over the whole of my life sometimes. I have OCD which I explain the ins and outs to when ever I enter a new friendship in order to save myself emotional pain. But it's not avoiding it anymore, it still happens. I try to make them understand but they still don't get it. I still end up hurting over other people and being alone. You end up not going out trying to avoid the people who you've upset accident. You may as well lock yourself away because the humilliation factor is huge. I have everything going for me but my ocd texting lets me down. I go crazy at people because they just won't get it. I texted someone too much so they blocked me on facebook. They should have blocked my number and left me on facebook because it just makes me angry. I feel extremely hurt over it. People tell me they don't want or can't deal with me having my condition. That hurts me so much. I end up in tears because I'm left on the outside all the time. I'm not a danger. I'm not a mad person. I'm me and I wish people would see that. I'm not that difficult to deal with if people bother to listen and take in the awareness stuff I tell them. It's like talking to a brick wall with other people. It's like they're thick or something. I've got pregnancy hormones swirling round my brain and even I can see more logic than them. I don't see how people can't get it. I think I explain it quite plain and simple. I have already lost a guy that I really liked because of the way my disability affects me. I don't care that if he was a lot older than me. I only ended up texting one of his associates a lot because of missing him. I feel like I don't have a right to feel or that I shouldn't feel things because I will only get emotionally destroyed in the process. I trust no one because of the way I've been treated for things I can't help. I'm always going to have my condition. I have found that no treatments have helped me which means I'm just going to have to live like this. I was born different. This is the way I was suppose to be. I was made this way for a reason. I have been given my disabilities for a reason. It may be horrible but I wouldn't be the person I am today if I'd not faced challenges. I know I'd have became a stuck up selfish cow. I'd only have been out for myself. None of this awareness stuff would have existed. There would have been stuff I'd rather not have been through in my life though. Those are written about in the book that I wrote which people can buy via the website. The sad fact though is that society isn't sophisticated enough or developed enough to accept people like me. I know that people don't believe I'm psychic. They'd rather think I'm crazy than believe I have dreams that predict things which are going to happen. That I'd been snooping rather than picking up information randomly from my surroundings. It's easier for their minds to comprehend. That is why I tell people what I'm like before I get to know them. Therefore they are prepared and although on the last few occassions I haven't avoided getting hurt emotionally, that is basically the idea. I have to go. I'm still being kicked by the baby and as he gets bigger I'm starting to feel more heavy, that's nothing new.

I am utterly fed up of being ignored by people. You can only get rejected so long by friends etc before it really starts to affect me. In the area that I live I feel isolated because so many people no longer bother with me because of who I am. I know I text people too much and I do warn them before I kick off. It hurts me because I'm really open about my bad points but it never works. It's like others just can't be bothered. I get ignored all the time and it really makes it worse. It feels like no one wants to care. I got pregnant, yet people still don't bother with me. It doesn't help how I ended up in the area I lived in. All those damn rules associated with care staff because it's such a close area it singled me out. I'm equal though. I proved that by chosing to have my own child. I have a mini bump but it's more like I'm just a little fat still. I'm feeling him moving around but it doesn't feel real yet. I's really difficult to imagine there's a baby able to fit in there. I'm fed up of being nice to people then being ignored when it suites them. I only seem to be accepted by people with the same condition as me, not 'normal' people it's annoying. I don't want to be horrible but I prefer to hang with neurotypical people because the preciseness of aspergers people really irritating. It's probably because I'm only slightly on the spectrum. I don't have the intellectual brain that most of them do. I'm middle of the range intelligence which means non fun technical conversation bores me. I only seem to keep the boring ones who insist on having those conversations. I just hope my baby doesn't grow up to be a boring type as his father was boring. I'm hoping since he will not have any involvement as that is what we agreed that there is no way he can pick that personality up. I seem to scare all the fun friends off though. I want to do things in life but there never seems to be anyone to do anything with. It seems that everyone is busy especially this time of year. It sucks because I really want to find a band to sing with. I want to have a purpose in life like everyone else I know. It's not ideal at 6 months pregnant but it's better than sitting around waiting for baby to get here. I'm capable of doing it physically there's nothing stopping me. I need to keep myself busy so I don't get ignored by people. I won't annoy anyone if I'm too busy to text. I'm trying to write lyrics for own songs but when you don't play an instrument that is quite difficult. I can mix a tune on the laptop but that can be pot luck whether the song lyrics fit.

I can't believe it's nearly Christmas already. This year has gone quick. I started off this year off hoping to go to university, but then that all fell through due to stigma I faced about how my disability affects my behaviour sometimes. I have ended the year expecting my first child who will be arriving early april 2012. It seems that things have u-turned into some complete opposite senario that I completely didn't expect. It just shows that life can chance so quickly. This time next year my life will be completely different.

I have wanted a baby for years don't get me wrong. I've just not had the opportunity as I lived in places where I couldn't risk getting pregnant in as I wouldn't be able to keep it where I used to live. I just didn't expect it to happen on the second try. It was all rather quick. It takes some people years to concieve a baby but with me it took about a few times. I may not even be living in the same place soon. The local authorities where I come from want me to go back to live in that county. This is because they have been told that since they can't find any support services to take over down where I currently live then I'm better off to go back home. This is because the authorities where I'm currently living will think of me as vulnerable and always be on my back and it doesn't help with busy body locals saying things to them behind my back. I'm feeling like I'm being forced to move. I have put my name on the housing list back in Leicestershire but I'm not sure I'll be able to move until after the baby is born. I'm planning to renew the tenancy on my current flat in April when it ends and bid on a property to move to in a different area in October. I don't want to be forced into anything. I've agreed to go back, but in my own time. I'm quite reluctant to go back, but I don't want the shit that the local authorities may throw at me here. I'm capable of looking after myself and taking care of my baby. If I have to then I will just to prove to idiots who don't like me locally that they won't win. I'm stubborn and I will do exactly what I want to do in my life regardless what pricks say about me behind my back. I have a very thick skin. If someone tells me I can't, then I will prove I can even if I'm not even sure I can.

I'm volunteering unsocialable hours this weekend. I'm selling raffle tickets in St Alberns which is 40 miles away from me at one of their supermarkets. It's okay I get expenses for petrol or I wouldn't be doing it. It's not too early as it's from 1 till about 4, so not too long. It's taken me a while to sort the website out as I found a lot of our epals addresses no longer work due to how old some of the listings are on here. Some of them date back to when the website had just started. I may be going karaoke tomorrow night, not been for ages, actually can't remember how to sing which is bad for someone who is recording her own songs soon...opps. I'm sure I'll pick it up again within the first few bars of a karaoke song.

I'm extremely sorry for lack of updates on ASSGO. I have had a hell of a lot of things to deal with in my personal life. As lots of you know I'm pregnant and trying to sort my life out before my baby is born. It's involved lots of meetings with various people and as a result I haven't really had time to update the website. I've been trying to write own songs and record them but I'm finding it quite difficult. I did send my audition dvd in plenty of time but it didn't get there for 8 days. I sent it first class recorded. It only had to go to London which is only 50 miles away. I sent it 2 days before the deadline, first class that should have got there by the 18th November. Now they tell me they won't watch it because it got there after the deadline. I did try tell them that it wasn't my fault that it didn't get there and that I could prove with the reciept when I sent it, but they just said terms and conditions meant they couldn't make exceptions. So I have to wait till next year to audition when I will have a child so it won't be that easy to make a dvd in between baby duties.

I've not got anything on tomorrow as my jewellery making class got cancelled because of the strikes. It's ran at a school and the teaching staff are involved that run the class so it's not on. They're going to have the last class next week instead which is going to be difficult for me because I'm at mums getting the car m.o.ted. If my car doesn't pass and it needs a repair done on it then I won't be able to be back for midweek. I hear that she's holding a class from January for us to be able to come back even though we're not beginners. It seems that all the ladies including myself want to go back to do the course again. In other news I've faced my fears and broke the ice with someone I was thinking about recently. I know I'd previously made a fool of myself with my texting ocd but it's nothing new, it has happened so much in my life. It takes guts to repair the damage that you've done. I've always been too nervous to do that.

I'm really disappointed with bump growth, I do have one but it's like a podge rather than an actualy bump. I know that in a few weeks time when I'm approaching the last two or three months. I hear you normally come up quite obviously by 25 weeks. I'm only 21 weeks so far. I don't look pregnant with a coat on right now. I can't wait to get it over with as I get more scared about the pain of birth as time goes on. Yeah I can have all the support in the world but they can't take the pain away.

I know it's rather too late to come to some conclusions. But I've had time to think and I feel that I push people away indirectly by accident. I think it's only because I've been hurt a lot in my past and subconciously I don't want to let myself get hurt again. But then I end up getting hurt anyway as they walk away anyway. I put people off because I don't like talking on the phone and I go really shy on people. I'm scared of rejection so I don't open myself up to anyone. I got a friend to get me pregnant because I was too scared to get into a relationship that would probably just fall apart a few years after we had a child anyway. This way it stops the child from getting hurt if it's parents decide to part because they just can't be together anymore. There is a very high chance of that happening with my disability. I'm hard to cope with at times. In a way I cause the rejection that I face by others because of the way I am. Even if I like someone so much I end up acting as if I couldn't care less and then they walk. Out of fear I lose loads of people unless I have them on the internet as I'm a lot more chatty on there. If I know them only on an offline basis and I swap mobile numbers, I don't pick up when they call because I'm too scared. I just don't seem to have a personal relationship like everyone else. The thing is I'd love a personal relationship but I can't seem to get one because I just can't let people past my barriers and that is horribly frustrating. I'll just have to hope I meet someone who is patient with me so I can learn to trust and not be so closed towards others. I feel really bad because I've missed so many opportunities with other people due to my failings. I can't ever get those chances back because no one is ever going to make the effort to come back and help me not be like that as they see it as too much effort for them. I know that not a lot of people support how I decided to have a baby but it's what I want and it's a lot more simple than being with a man. I don't want to just go for any guy. I want my baby now but I want to wait to spend my life with someone whom is perfect not just right for now.

I have really shit hair since I got pregnant. It's thicker yes, but then again I've always had thick hair. It's just gone really mop like and however much I condition it that doesn't make it any better. I only had it thinned out a few weeks ago and it seems to have thickened up already. The colour looks shit. I'm hoping to re dye it next month so it looks more even. The ends have gone really light as they've had proxide on them at one point and the routes are dark. Then one of the blond colours went wrong and I've got a gingery brown bit in between the new growth roots and light ends. I'm going to have to straighten it to make it look decent.