Welcome to A.S.S.G.O

I'm currently looking for houses to rent. It's a very slow process but I'm also very indecisive which doesn't help. I was put off by the first flat I saw which was dirty, dark and cramped. I haven't gone to look round a property since that was three weeks ago. I've now regained my braveness to look around again I have made arrangements to view a house locally on thursday at 3pm. I have just got rid of a headache that lasted three days. I still don't feel completely right yet but a lot better than I've felt in the last couple of days. I seem to have back ache as well which may have caused my headache. I really want to go for a walk but it has already rained today so I'm scared of getting soaked like the other week. I don't enjoy walking in the rain at all after that. I'm on yet another diet. I have stocked up on fresh vegetables and some fruit, light choices and weight watchers meals and mini quiches. I have even switched to weight watchers yogurts. I don't find them as nice but those muller rice ones I normally have things that probably would cause bloating. I have brown nimble bread. Shreddies and cravendale creamy milk so I don't have to use so much. I learned from a vegan I used to know that milk is used to fatten up babies but also has the same affect on us. If I want to lose some of my excess fatty bits then I can't overdo the milk. I have the green capped one which tastes nice without being too watered down like the red capped ones. I have tried to put up with the red capped ones taste but I find it disgusting. I tried replacing normal milk with rice milk but I found that awful. I have cut out all sweet stuff and hardly ever eat chocolate. I am taking the painkillers still but that is harder to get off than I imagined. I am well aware that it is damaging to me in the long term but right now it helps me cope. I'm planning on trying to make this website more active again. As quite a few of the regular visitors know, my dad was given the parents section to manage. Obviously since his death there has been no one to really over see that section of the site. I've waited quite a while to ask for parents of people with ASD's (or ASC's if you prefer that term) to contribute to it again due to coming to terms with things. I think it's time to have a rethink on the whole website too. I'm really missing someone too which is getting me down a lot. I wish the woman would just contact me it's stressing me out. I know she doesn't realise how much it hurts my feelings so there's no point getting upset over it. I can't expect someone to understand feelings they've probably never felt because they don't have the same thought processes as me. The weather is annoying today. It's warm, yet not sunny, the clouds look like they're storing rain, yet we only had a shower for a while earlier. It can at least give us some sun or even wind to move the indecisive weather clouds. 

I've been so lazy at this moment in time. I just can't be bothered as feel quite flat emotionally recently. Yes I do have THAT reason why I may be feeling this low. It's not just the time of the month though. I think all the things that has happened this year is finally sinking in. I have been busy with college work and other things so I never had time to think about the state of things around me. I no longer have a Dad which is hard to get used to since I was a daddy's girl. I feel things in m own way not conventionally.  I am coping with it quite well apparently according to other people who have lost relatives. I don't know how I'm suppose to react to it. I don't see the point in making a big deal out of it isn't going to change things. There is no way of reversing what happened. It's an irreversible situation. I can't find any places to move to that I like. Some of them didn't even reply to my enquiries so it's back to the drawing board. I'm hoping something good comes up in the locality of eaton socon/eaton ford (st neots, Cambs). If anyone sees anything drop me the details via email. I am looking in as many places as possible. I know that I haven't really spoken to anyone much over the last week but I'm still around. I just needed time to think without other people influencing me. I also thought if I shut up that people wouldn't always think so badly of me. I just don't feel like fighting for people's acceptance anymore. I lay on my bed most of the day friday and saturday and only went for a short walk on sunday. I seem to be able to lay looking up at the ceiling for hours without realising it. I haven't done anything really in weeks. I desperately need my hair trimming as the ends are really unrepairable. I twist the ends round my fingers and it breaks. I can't help it as I do it as a habit. I don't feel well today so not been for walk. Instead I cleaned the whole of my room, did washing and food shop. I feel better mentally knowing that is all done for this week and I won't need to worry about it till after I come back from my mums house. I am going home for a week on Friday, I still have to tell the place I'm living in as not informed them yet. 

I admit to being completely and utterly lazy today. I was so exhausted that I just had to sleep a lot or lay around because had hardly any energy. I had to build my strength up to make my main meal and dozed off straight after I'd lay down after eating that. I think the heat is getting too much for me after trying to live in this weather for a week. I currently have only been awake for about 2 hours and now I'm literally dozing off. I've been drinking water but probably not as much as I should be in this weather. I didn't go out at all today. I couldn't face it mentally either, the thought of going out seeing people was just too much. I have arranged viewings of possible places to move to locally on wednesday. I am being shown a flat and two 1 bedroomed houses hopefully if the woman at the agency gets the information through for the second house on Monday. That's all I had the energy for today. I feel completely terrible and since I haven't moved much today I've stiffened up which just makes it so much more energy draining to move. I know that I should go the doctors but I'll only get lectured about my habits with pain killer popping etc. I'm relying on them a lot right now. As they have caffeine in them I logically should be able to perk myself up to give myself an energy boost but that theory isn't working right now. I'm not in the right mind frame to quit them at this moment in time because this year so far has been so full of changes which I must come to terms with first. I don't highly abuse them now. I'm not as bad as some addicts who take a box a day. One guy took 8 a day and died from a stroke. I know the dangers and I'm prepared to take them. I would never take more than 4 a day on a regular basis. I have been taking them since I was at school so it's too late to think about the damage now because it will have been done a long time ago. I'll update the blog on the housing situation.

I know that I haven't blogged since Saturday but to be honest I don't feel like it much right now. I am not going through a serious bad patch but it comes and goes. I can go from happy to sad several times in a day. I can't stay in one mood for long. I think the last few months of my life is just catching up with me. I never really had the chance to grieve properly for my dad because I buried my head in coursework that needed to get finished for my college course. I still can't quite believe that he is no longer around. I do miss him and it's still weird being at home with just my mum. I'm not the only one feeling it though as it's only been 4 months, mum is still cursing god all the time. She gets angry quite a lot because she feels that it's unfair that he still isn't around. I'm sure dad's side of the family miss him although we haven't spoken much since. I still feel it's my duty to keep in touch as I'm part of them too because of being dads daughter. I still should have mentioned something when I had that dream before christmas, but I didn't know it was going to happen so quickly. I've changed since dad passed over though. I don't know why or how it happened but I feel different. I am more connected with everything and everyone. I have stronger abilities in all aspects too. I'm not sure how this could happen but I can only assume that it's influences from the 'other side'. I have always been able to feel things or pick up vibes from people and places; it's never been this accurate and strong though. I am fully aware that not everyone believes in those sorts of things. I was even sceptical before I accepted my abilities. I used to think I was a freak and that it somehow made me mad. I now realise that I'm not, I have been told by leaders of spiritual churches who do the connecting with the other side thing for a living, that my abilities are a huge part of my purpose in life. I don't seem to be able to rely on them though as they are still kind of unpredictable and I'm not able to pick up things on demand. I am sure peoples relatives come to me in dreams because I don't always know the people that I dream about. I know they are probably only coming to me because I'm someone that people would talk to. I'm certainly not sure how to approach a living person saying that I've got a message from a person which I'm not even sure is for them. It's really not an easy thing to do because people tend to get worried about things they don't understand. I have had my dad come to me in dreams twice since he died. Once was the night of the day he died. And the last time was a few months ago. First time was him looking round my door and saying hello like he used to do in life. I think that was to try to convince me that he was ok because I was worried he was going to get lost or something. Then the last one was him sitting in a chair saying he was more ill than he thought and wanted to admit before it happened. I'm still not sure if he is ok but in both of my dreams he seemed it. I know that I am lucky to have dreams with messages in as some people aren't able to do it. So many people will never get to experience it. I sometimes don't like it but it's nice that I'm trusted to have these gifts and the spirits that visit my dreams must see comfort within me. If the things that I have read on the 'other side/afterlife' is accurate then it must be very scary at first. I've heard that it takes at least 20 years for the spirits of the passed over to settle into the new way of existence. I try to comfort and reassure the people (well ex people in a way) when they visit my dreams. I will always look out for the people they left behind. I was very hostile towards them at first, I wanted them to not come to me but eventually I had to just give in. I now drop messages in from those dream visiting spirits to people in conversation and emails if I'm talking to someone online. I don't make it obvious that it's from them I just hope it jogs their memories so they are helped by it in some way. I have to be extremely careful that I don't say too much. I just put what I feel or what my mind is telling me to do now. I found that is the best way instead of trying to fight it, if you try to do that then it all gets mixed up and comes out wrong. I'm told that I seem familiar by a lot of people I have during my life. I don't think it's me that is familiar to them, I think I'm kind of a messenger and I've moved around so much because my purpose was to help people. I know it sounds insane but it's the truth. There are many things we don't fully understand and many things we'll never know about this world. It's karaoke tonight and I'm thinking I probably will go. I was due to have my key skills maths exam tuesday but that girl was there and started getting at me again. I refused to do it with her in there so I'm hoping they are going to rearrange my exam due to the circumstances which I emailed to all the vital people in the college. I have also reported this girl to the place she volunteers helping people with autism after a comment I overheard her make to other people waiting to go into the exam which she was trying to aim at me. Basically I went in there, she said hello to the person behind me. Then I walked past her and she said nastily 'I'm not speaking to you!'. Then she proceeds to have a conversation with a few of the people who I used to be in the same class as. She told them that she was going to a training session with this autism place she works/volunteers for, that they were teaching them that people with autism use their condition as an excuse for inappropriate sexual actions and behaviour. At that point I just walked off and didn't end up doing the exam. I had a staff member with me from the place I live in as my witness to the things that happened. 

I think I'm having a bad day. I'm very depressed right now. I was going to go to karaoke tonight with relatives but I just don't feel like it. Last time we went to the pub was my 21st birthday. Dad was there. It wasn't on that night and that meant Dad missed it. I just don't feel right singing at the moment. I enjoyed it once but not much now. It just brings back memories that are upsetting for me at the moment. I'm hot and unhappy.

I'm going to have to be very brief as it's getting late as I'm off to bed in a bit. I know I haven't blogged for a while, naughty me. I haven't really had much to say or even wanted to say much. I'm biting my nails again (yes I know that's  bad). I don't know why I'm biting them again but I just started again the other day. I think the last few months are finally catching up with me. I suppose it will as I'm not busy with college work anymore so I have time to think more. I have felt generally miserable this week but I think that is down to the monthly event us women have to go through. I've now finished college apart from having one key skills exam to do next tuesday (the dreaded maths one). Then I'm free. I'm not sure what I want to do with my life but at some point after a year out I plan to go to university to study Journalism. Although I still may change my mind. I know that I have the potential to go to university but I may not decide to go back into education. It's an expensive route and I'm not sure I wish to spend most of my younger life as a student. On the other hand it could get me a step up the ladder for jobs so that I wouldn't have to 'work my way up'. I know that you don't have to go to university to get a decent career but it's an option that I could take. I keep changing my mind right now but it's not my number one priority yet. I'm just waiting to move out of the residential place into my own flat. I'm having trouble with funding and how much the local authority is willing to pay for someone to come in to 'check on me/help me with things'. They want me to have a home help stranger come in and the care company I'm with wants their staff to keep an eye on me because obviously I know them. I keep getting pins and needles in my legs. I go for a walk each day but I still get this and it is getting so annoying not to mention painful when they seize themselves up after I've been sitting for a while. It's not like I'm sitting for hours. I get up regularly because of how my legs are right now. I had that cyst thing behind my knee so I'm hoping I haven't got other things going wrong there.

I'm near the end of college. I finish on Wednesday. I haven't been able to attend classes for the last couple of months because they kicked me out of them. I'm extremely bitter about it. I can't help it. It hurts even more when people just say that I deserved it. They keep saying the tutor spoke to them about it, these are other students. Apparently she was telling them that the messages I was sending her was freaking her out. I know that tutors aren't allowed to do that but that isn't the point. I never deserved what I got ok. I have been misunderstood for many years. I'm not a nasty person, I generally do care for others. It's just a shame that I never get that returned from them. I just get treated like a freak and scrapped off like a piece of shit on their shoes. I'm not prepared to accept it any longer. I've been too nice most of my life. I don't know what people say behind my back but I can only assume it's horrible. That is probably either because they're jealous (the more you are nasty about me the more I improve so quit it) or they see my weakness that I take it to heart. I have my final major project to do but my bitterness is coming out in my work. It's always about revenge even though I don't particularly want to seek it but that is how much it has hurt me. I am a hard working student and I have tried to prove how much I never deserved to be excluded. I got a distinction on my last piece of work and a merit on the script writing. I have no idea if I can make up the grade on my practical assignment but I'll find out when I give that in. I've had enough of being excluded from society when there are so many other options to take before the establishments take that one. I'm a valuable member of society despite my past. I'm not one of them mentally unstable idiots you see on the news doing shooting sprees. If people bothered to take the time to get to know me then they would see that. I didn't deserve what I got especially since my Dad died in the middle of it all. I am sure I'm one of the only people left who has some kind of compassion for others emotional pain. They had no regard for what I was going through. I wasn't even invited to defend myself at the meetings. I find that extremely nasty. I saw a programme on BBC Switch the other day where this boy had Aspergers Syndrome. He was nearly excluded. His principal was an arrogant... well there are no words to describe it. He called this boy a weirdo behind his back to another student. And he only got sent for retraining. I say kick all professionals like that out. It makes me sick!  I could have been on the receiving end of that sort of thing from higher management at the college. After what my tutor said the other day, I'm beginning to think that the woman who gives out the punishments in the arts department has that kind of attitude. I just can't prove it and no one is going to speak out because they might get punished too. As far as where the land lies between me and that tutor goes, I've heard that she is unable to be in contact with me until her contract ends at the college. It's complicated apparently, there's probably a lot of threats over everyone involved knowing the education system. The whole system revolves around victimisation and threats to keep control, I swear it's the government trying to control everyone by moulding them when they're young. They start in the schools, anyone who doesn't fit into society gets kick out.

I went out last night. I had quite a lot to drink and now I'm feeling the after affects. I feel extremely sick and my stomach is upset. I'm not hung over ... yet but I haven't slept all night so it's too early to tell. I have been abusing the pain killers recently so my stomach probably is a bit damaged from that. Anyway as promised about making a come back in June. I went to a karaoke down the road last night and sung for the first time in weeks. I didn't feel my voice was up to its former standard but it's a start. I'm singing in public again at least. I'm allowed back in the pub that I was barred from now. I want to go back but someone in my house is trying to stop me from going back. They want me to go to another pub in town on thursday nights. I don't want to go there, I want to go back to the original pub. I like it there regardless of whatever has gone on in the past. I am grateful that they've let me back in. They will never know just how grateful I am. I'm craving sausages right now, I don't normally like them but I feel like them now. I think I may have some veggie sausages in the freezer. I will have to go out and cook them in a bit before I get even more hungry. I know it's really early to be cooking but I'm too hungry. I'm hoping it stops me from feeling sick.

I can't stand how it seems to be one rule for me and one for everyone else. I got into trouble for adding tutors to facebook. News flash! Other students add tutors to facebook so one rule for me and one for them hey? I'm not allowed to email anyone apart from one tutor about my work. I'm not mad. I am open with my past, which makes me a decent honest person. I shouldn't be punished or discriminated against because of my past. I got a phone call from my key worker. Now my Mum knows about it and I'm getting shouted at wish I hate because it scares me. She's moody enough at the moment because of Dad's death. I'm hurting too but I don't show it too much. I'm not being deceitful or deceptive by not using my surname on facebook but I've had so much shit off people bullying me etc that I no longer wish to use my real name because people will search it and get on to me again. I don't work my butt off just to be told I'm still a no good no body just because of mistakes I made as a teenager... years ago. I may still always be the same person but I am not stupid now. I'm intelligent and it hurts when people treat me like a freak. I'm open about my past purely to help others as I've ran this site for years. I may as well say Bye to college now as they're never going to accept me for who I am. They will find any excuse not to give me the qualification. How I conduct myself will never be acceptable. I will probably get kicked out for looking at someone in the wrong way. As I said I'm no mad but people have made things up, passed it round and it's been taken as gospel. I try so hard to reach the standards of 'normal' capacity that is acceptable to others. It's not like I don't make an effort. It's never enough for anyone. I have multi talents on the go. Writing, singing, computers etc but even having something to offer is never enough. No one sees the good in me. I'm caring. They see crazy/eccentric/erratic behaviour. I can sing. They see my past. I can write. They see me as a threat. I really can't do anything right because people just make up what they want to be true anyway and pass it round. If people don't want to be added to facebook there is always an ignore button and a block button (which I have made use of several times) instead of making a big deal out of stupid things. I really don't want to stop using social networking sites but people trying to set me up or accuse me of things is getting beyond a level that I can stand now. I can stand the normal everyday banter that goes on online but there are sad people who like to laugh at the expense of others which isn't right. I can see why people get to the stage that the bloke in cumbria but I also don't like being seen as someone who could potentially be a danger just because I happened to get sectioned as a teenager. I'd like to point out right now that me and someone like that bloke are completely different. I would never hurt another human being. I was misunderstood and I feel that people like him make it hard for people like me to live a smooth life. Other ignorant people assume that I'm dangerous because of people like him go out and do things like that. I can't honestly say what was going on in that blokes head when he was on his rampage but I can honestly say that I wouldn't do anything like that however much I was pushed. There are mad people in this world but I'm not one of them. I was misunderstood because I'm quiet and very shy at times. I don't say what I'm thinking so people make assumptions and mostly they are wrong conclusions. I fear that if people continue to see these things in the news, they will label everyone who has ever been involved in the mental health services. I feel extremely sorry for the victims and their families of these events caused by individuals that have gone of murder rampages, but still at the same time I would like to point out that I don't feel it's fair that people like me should be assumed to be dangerous. I have never once been violent in my life and I know that I have enough self control never to act in that conduct. I am level headed even at the most stressed points of my life. 

I've been trying to prove that I'm a good person recently. I have been through a lot but it's made me stronger, even though I still get depressed about it all. I accept that my dad won't see me grow up and become the person I've always wanted to be. I'm not sure if I believe in an afterlife but for his sake I hope there is one. It's hard to imagine there being any place beyond this physical world. It's taken me a while to come to terms with my dad's death. It didn't feel real for a while. I wanted it to be a bad dream but deep inside I knew it wasn't. I've kept myself busy with college work and other things to keep my mind off dwelling on it. I have been a mess at times but got through it. I'm hopefully moving to my own flat soon. There's a panel meeting about the funding to see if I'll get any financial backing or not. I hope it works out as I can't wait to move out and be free. I have been so bloated today, my stomach actually is sore right now I'm that swollen. I get the same problem all the time, sure I can lose weight but my belly is always fat. I think I have some food intolerance or something kicking it off. I hope it's not milk or something because I eat/drink a lot of foods with that in. I don't like being dictated to by my body what I can and can't eat especially since I have a stupidly healthy diet anyway.I cut out most of the bad stuff apart from diet coke recently as that is a huge weakness of mine. That could rot my insides due to the acid but I just am too addicted to that to give it up, I have cut down though. I don't smoke so I have to have something to feel more wide awake. 

Anyway I've proven that what people see is what they get with me, I have no hidden agendas. I generally do care about others and if they're hurting I can feel their emotional pain. I'm here for everyone and they all know where to find me if they ever need me. I'm just an email away and if I'm able to I will be there to at least try to make it better. I'm only human so I can't wave a magic wand and make it all go away. I wish I could though sometimes when people are suffering. I will be around for people I care about for as long as I live. I am off to bed now because I don't feel well my stomach is really bad tonight but if anyone wants to find me they know where I am. Goodnight x